Garbiel, the archangel, invented galaxies. Michael, the archangel, invented motion. But who invented masturbation? Uriel, the archangel, invented time and Raphael, the archangel, invented order. But who invented masturbation? We've run out of archangels. It must have been just a regular, un-arch-angel. Most cautious fellows pretty much keep their distance from archangels. Michael explodes stars. Gabriel creates new species. It's a good rule to stay well clear of archangels. Let them to the masters and the other fools. But everybody likes to play with themselves, a little diddle here, a little rub there. What clever angel created such a universal sport as masturbation? Betty! It's a little know fact, but we owe the entertainment of masturbation to an angel named Betty. Betty is a hermaphrodite angel, you know, one with a little of this and a little of that and an appreciation for both the in and the out; very nice as angels go. She's ideally equipped to invent masturbation. A funny thing is that modern angel-freaks, the self-proclaimed religious experts, tell you that masturbation is a nasty sin. Take no notice of them. It's not "self-abuse." It's "self-use." Betty didn't invent masturbation just for people. She first devised it for hippopotamuses. They had a hard time with it. Horses do a lot better and some of your smaller birds are pretty good too, if there's a likely twig handy as a rubbing post. It didn't catch on in a big way until Betty invented right- handedness. Then monkeys and apes perfected the technique into an amusing pastime, the first hobby, better than stamp collecting. In any event, chimps don't have stamps. They do have some of the ugliest pussies you've ever imagined. No wonder that they often have to masturbate! It took the human animal to appreciate masturbation as an art form. It was masturbation which encouraged our cave-dwelling ancestors to figure out how to use tools. See, that's a cheap pun. Males have always had a sizable bawdy vocabulary for masturbation. In the nineteen fifties they started calling it "jack-off." Before that, the boys "jerked off." The Victorians and their forebearers liked to call it "onanism" after the guy in Genesis who pulled himself out before he busted a nut. That's not really masturbation at all! That's primitive birth-control and frustrating to both partners. Betty takes no credit for inventing such an unsatisfactory expedient. Some boys even turned masturbation into a team sport, the "circle-jerk." Of course, that's not really masturbation, either. It's a naval exercise, thinly disguised homosexuality. Maybe real masturbation is homosexuality too. Both sides are not only the same person, they're the same sex. Boys may taunt and joke about exploits like sucking their own dicks; or screwing a knothole, but it's the females who really have the great variety of masturbation ploys. Girls don't talk about it much. They have so much less to work with than boys have that they've resorted to real ingenuity! When Betty invented masturbation, she surely had girls in mind. Why else did she invent the cucumber, the banana and the love-nettle? Granted, girls very seldom rely on fruits or vegetables, but many adore the bath-time standard of a pounding stream of warm water, the bedtime standard of the pillow hump and the playtime reliability of a bicycle ride or daddy's bouncing knee. Some few commandeer a handy perfume bottle or hairbrush handle. While a few may sit on their heels or even probe their pissers. After the adverturous teens, females generally depend on the first couple fingers of their right hands and a firmly persistent circular polishing of the shy but engorged clitoris. Betty's invention is tremendously popular and successful. Even among adults, masturbation is almost as popular as screwing. The solitary delight, with its idealalic fantasy and lack of social demand has a unique charm. While most people are given the opportunity to have either, or both, masturbation and/or intercourse, some folks have no choice. What's a nun to do? or a prisoner? It's the diddle or nothing...okay, if they want to be really naughty they can be queer, but, by and large, it's the onanism or sexlessness and no sane person goes without sex. Like Daniel says, he'd rather be dead. Daniel's a kind of an angel, too. Prisoners are especially fortunate that Betty invented masturbation. It's not a perfect substitute for ferocious fucking, but it's much better than nothing. The few women who're in prison usually just lie on their fingers at bedtime or flop open their thighs and buff the button. They may whimper a little, softly groan or tremble in the throws of their fantasies, but in prison, female masturbation is easy enough to stifle that it doesn't disturb a cell partner. Guys, who compose over 95% of the prison population, have a more difficult time of it. Their masturbation is usually pretty active, even frantic, nothing that a cell partner would mistake for an innocent moan. Usually, men want to be by themselves to handle their business. Solitary time is a real luxury in prison except in the hole. In Pennsylvania alone, male prisoners squirt enough semen every day to almost fill a 55 gallon drum, over 18,000 gallons a year! a swimming pool full. Getting rid of that much fluid requires thoughtfully determined effort. Just imagine if it all turned into babies. They'd out weigh the planet! When Betty invented masturbation, she knew it would be utilitarian (angels have that kind of foresight), like scrubbing one's teeth, but she intended that it would also be a lot of fun. That's why she had to invent fun. Thanks to Betty, a prisoner's life isn't total misery. The question now is, who invented prison?