Many of our users email asking for our help. We always sincerely try to assist. Recently, we got the following email from "Melvin Taylor." We sent the request along to one of our prisoner-editors, George Sansvalve Gastropod. His response follows the request for information. [We assure you that this is a genuine email even if the response is genuine parody.] "I have a male friend who is going to state prison for the first time. He has never been in jail before and is concerned about several things. 1) During the strip search procedure, are the guards allowed to insert their fingers in the inmate's asshole as part of the search?1 2) Are guards allowed to skin back the skin on [an] inmate's penis as part of the search? Or [is] the inmate required to skin back his [own] penis?2 3) Are inmates forced to walk stripped naked to their cells holding their uniforms at their chest(s)? (My friend saw this done in the movies[.])3 4) Are inmates forced into solitary confinement if [they] show an erection during the strip search?4" [Signed Marvin Taylor] Our Prisoner-Editor's Reply: Yes, Yes, No, Yes. By way of further explanation: Your 1 No more than three guards are allowed to insert their fingers into a prisoner at any one time. If the prisoner is a particularly troublesome asshole, a rectifier is used instead of fingers. "Three-In-One" oil is provided. Your 2 The prepuce is contraband in Pennsylvania prisons. A prisoner is not permitted to possess or use a foreskin while imprisoned, not even a male prisoner. An offending prisoner-penis is beaten into submission upon entering the prison and stripped of its prepuce. If he is particularly unctuous, the prisoner may be stripped of one or more testicle as well. Prisoners with balls are quite rare. Your 3 Pennsylvania Prisoners are not permitted to possess uniforms for the first month of their imprisonment. They are also not permitted to walk. New prisoners or "fish," (as they are called) must jog, naked, about the prison, wagging as they go. Your 4 Inmates, as you call them, are punished with time in the hole for many infractions. The owner of an unauthorized erection is sure to get hole-time. Erection licenses are available on a first come basis in the prison commissary for 35 cents. The license does not, however, authorize any unseemly show of affection for, or by, an erection. I am: George

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