SCI-Huntingdon sucks, but it's by no means the worst of Pennsylvania's punishment latrines. Fairies and shoplifters become captains, neck-less mutants and thugs become lieutenants, poachers and drunks carry the keys. The twit who runs the place likes it because there are no tunnels under the wall. The staff likes it because they're into inbreeding and don't want to divorce their sisters.
Still, as hellholes go, you could find worse places than Huntingdon; Mahanoy, Houtsdale and Coal township, for example. In fact, Huntingdon is kind of amusing thanks to examples like Chris "Look, Ma, I'm A Real Guard" groove and Ray "The Madman" Crider, and of course, the Great Huntingdon Bedsheet Lottery.
Prisoner slave-labor makes bedsheets for the jails. They are worth $2 or $3, tops. A has-been marine who crooked himself into a captain's job thinks that bedsheets are very, very important. The poor guy's shoe size and IQ are identical. We'll call him "The Dean."
This prime example of a person administrator decided that too many bedsheets were being used in the prison. We went on a crusade to stem the indiscriminate use of bedsheets. While he was about his noble and expensive priority, he resolved to quench the careless and excessive use of shower towels, too.
The Dean recruited and doggedly drilled his Official Bedsheet Inspectors and Towel Sniffers Squad. Each weekday morning they spend and hour or more checking prisoners' linens. Typically there are about a dozen highly paid guard/inspectors, one or two even more overpaid sergeant and a $60,000.00 a year commissioned officer (often the Dean himself) in the squad. Each morning's inspections cost us taxpayers about $300. That's about 50 cents for every sheet they check! It's the Dean's clever use of tax money.
Prisoners present their dirty bedsheets and towels. With as much care as a hungover guard can muster at 6 AM, the linens are inspected. If they are worn, torn or dirty, the man is given a misconduct and charged for the supposed cost of the bedsheet. About $14 is the usual fine.
The shower towels are also inspected for dirt and wear. If the Dean's on duty, they are also sniffed for offensive odors. Again, the poor devil who happens to be using the towel when it wears out, gets to pay an inflated price to replace it.
It's like a sick game of musical-chairs. The sad man who happens to possess the sheet when it tears, wears through or gets soiled from the frequent leaks and flooding, gets fined. A prisoner never knows when he'll "win' the Dean's booby Prize!
Return to Crime Stories Menu.
Return to HOMEPAGE.