Not every jerk in Pennsylvania is in the state legislature, but that troop of Keystone Cops has more than its share. They would just be comic lunatics if we hadn't foolishly given power to the madhouse.
Consider Frank Serafini, the representative from Lackawana County (what a terrifying thought that he's actually representative of the people who live in his district). Want to guess at his political affiliation? I'll give you a hint. Under "jerk" in the dictionary, why is there a picture of an elephant?
If I were a kinder, gentler man, I'd say that our boy Frankie is misinformed. He's told the press that "prison isn't a prison any more." What is it, then, I'd like to know; a banana fritter?
Any time that this genius would like an education, I know hundreds of prisoners who would gladly give him their cells for 10 to 15 years.
Reality is clearly not Frankie's strong suit. No matter, he apparently has no special training in penology, medicine, dietetics, psychology or much of anything else. That makes no difference to Republican Frank. A shortage of facts, like an absence of reality has never deterred a Republican from proving himself a jerk.
In spite of his lack of information, Serafini has decided that the thing that's wrong with Pennsylvania's prisons is not the degradation or the filth, not the despare or the dehumanization. It's not even the utter lack of purpose. Serafini knows that the real trouble is coffee!
Yep, who would have thought it? Coffee!
In his Republican "wisdom," Frank Serafini has decided that coffee should be banned from the prisons...well, maybe guards and staff would be privileged to enjoy the forbidden drink, but the prisoners would be barred from the pot.
And, if's not just coffee, no! Frankie has a fetish against all caffeine, including tea, soft drinks and chocolate. He's not clear about decaffeinated coffee, but then again, "clear" thinking is not what Republicans do best.
Almost all of the coffee and tea that prisoners get, they buy for themselves at the commissary. It's true that the prisons cook up a brew that's supposed to be coffee, but few persons would drink it of their own free will. It's so bad that the guards have special coffee prepared for them at taxpayer expense.
But, there I go again, clouding the matter with facts. Serafini isn't troubled by a few facts. He's decided that his coffee-ban would "save" half a million dollars out of the prisons' budget.
Milk is more expensive than coffee. It spoils easily and it often causes health problems in older men. Replacing coffee with milk would add a million bucks, not save half a million.
Ditto for fruit juices. The water in most of the prisons is unsafe because of the high content of lead it contains from the lead solder used on the plumbing and from other filth. Using more water would increase medical (and funeral) expenses.
Serafini's coffee-mania is not his only stroke of genius. He's against weights, you know, the barbells that some prisoners use as a means of working out their stress and frustration. The Republican lawmaker would prefer that men remain highly stressed, frustrated and combative. Such men could work out their energies by body-slamming a few dozen guards instead of pressing other dumbbells.
Being an intellectual giant isn't easy and it may be that Frankie's clutch has started to slip. I wonder what the rest of the troop of Keystone Cops will do with his brainstorm.
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