A kitchen steward at an obscure Pennsylvania prison has acknowledged that, as a child, she was repeatedly abuse by her father, a diamond pocket watch and her pet cockatoo, Orwell. After careful examination and investigations, a panel of experts concluded that the woman is deranged and that, like so many female tales (no pun intended), her report is a flimsy contrivance. The panel rejected the employee's explanation that it was this severe abuse which had caused her to do so many vicious things to so many prisoners. I was appointed by the Sexual Abuse Processing Syndicate ("SAPS") to re-examine the sad case in a nonpartisan, feminist way. My assignment was to prove that the woman had really been the victim of a horrifying array of disgusting abuses and that therefore, she deserved to be allowed to abuse a few prisoners now and then. I'm a professional rape center counselor, lesbian and liar. SAPS is a project of the Ladies United Against Masculinity. We combat the male libido in all its filthy manifestation. Our goal; the outlawing of men in the near future. In my first interview with the victim, I'll call her Virginia Goodbody, she related her history of abuse. I'll summarize the salient points. While sleeping during her twelfth summer, the tremulous child was startled awake. To her horror, she discovered that she'd been sexually attacked by a large, expensive gentleman's, diamond pocket watch. She found it tangled in her damp pajamas, but in the morning it had mysteriously vanished. Later that same year, the budding victim discovered that her fiendish father (who frequently bossed her around) was an alien in disguise. One evening after giving the girl a suspicious bottle of Dr. Pepper (she'd wanted Pepsi) the villain pretended to go off to work, leaving her to babysit her younger sister for no pay. When the alarmed Miss Goodbody awoke from a little snooze, she realized that she'd been the victim of a violent sexual attack. Her father had come back and had had his unclean way with her. She had him arrested, but he got off just because he'd been at work all evening. A female police officer had tried to get the child to have a medical examination, but the girl was much too sensitive to have any strangers poking around in her bloomers. One of the most frightening abuses was perpetrated by a diabolical bird, Orwell, the child's long time pet. During the night of Three October, the once benign cockatoo sneaked from his cage, had carnal knowledge of the girl using his plumed head and then snuck back into its cage. When, in the morning, Virginia discovered the felony, she beat the bird to death with the bulb of the douche syringe with which she tidied herself up four or five times a day. Later on she realized that her fiendish father or some other monstrous man had trained the bird to assault her in some of her most private parts. Being an impartial professional, I instantly reported to the prison authorities that Miss Goodbody's repeated maiming of prisoners had to be excused because she'd undoubtedly been the victim of horrendous assaults as a child which had scarred her for life. Her callous prison bosses only scoffed at her. The shock of hearing the news reminded Virginia of an additional series of sexual abuses. Now, the victim recalled how, almost every night for years, starting when she was a mere ten years old, one of her father's friends, a brute of a giant whom everyone called "Tank," forced his sexual attentions upon her. He would just come into the bedroom she shared with her sister, flop around on her for an hour or so and then leave. Armed with these startling new revelations, I convinced the prison administrators that the woman was fully justified if occasionally she acted out against a male prisoner. After all, none of them had actually died and they are only prisoners, for heaven sakes. They reassigned her. She got a gun and was put in a prison tower where all the men were in her sights. As a bonus, using Virginia's newly recovered memories, I was able to get Tank prosecuted as a dangerous predator. He's doing a long prison term.