Political and social scientists report that conservatives and Republicans are greedy, grasping, corrupt, bigoted and even cruel. Too many citizens accept that we are extremist and hypocrites. The modern peoples of Europe see Pennsylvania conservatives as fanatical, out of date and backward looking.

None of these charges have been absolutely proven. Not all conservatives or Republicans are crazy, and we're not all crooks. Take, for example, Republican state Senator William "Stinky" Slocum of Warren County. We don't know for sure that he broke the law and the public trust by spewing torrents of raw sewage into once pristine country waterways. And even if he did, what's wrong with a little bit of toxic pollution where personal profit is at stake? And, we don't know for sure that Senator Slocum lied or covered up his crimes, or that he tried to bully others into covering up for him.

Even if Senator Slocum is a criminal, that doesn't mean that Republican state Senator F. Joseph "Bagman" Loeper is also a crook. We simply don't know for sure if his dealings with that Philadelphia tax collector really amounted to criminal graft and corruption. And, anyway, what's so wrong with making a few bucks at the citizens' expense? Republicans have been doing it for a century.

Consider Republican state Representative Patrick "Shacky" Browne, we don't know for sure that he's an addict and a drunk. Maybe he's not a staggering, irresponsible buffoon. Alcohol is by far the world's most dangerous and most abused drug, but it's the drug of the white middle and upper classes, so it must be okay. We don't know for sure that the Lehigh legislator is hooked or that he pushes the hard stuff on the side.

In the same way, we don't know for sure that Republican state Representative Joseph "Sluggo" Gladeck of affluent Montgomery County is really a bully or a thug. Maybe he didn't really beat up his girlfriend. she may have fallen down the steps quite a few times.

Then, there's Republican state Representative Frank "Two Tongues" Serafini.of Lackawanna County. We can't be absolutely sure that he's a lying perjurer. That's for the courts to decide. And good Republican court in Pennsylvania can usually be bought for booze, bucks and political favors.

None of these 5 good Republicans can be included in the unfortunate case of Republican Senator Delp of York County who liked teenage whores so much. Similarly, the five good Republicans can't properly be painted with the same brush that besmirched Lycoming Republicans.

It's better to think of these five good Republicans in the same way that we think of Republican state Representative Stanley "Weesausage" Saylor. Like Delp, Saylor is from York County, but most folks recognize his profound problems and stifle their snickers. What we must remember about these good Republicans and other conservatives is that we've legislated more cruelty and intolerance into the prison and "justice" systems than has existed since colonial days. We have succeeded in making Pennsylvania prisons not just regressive and oppressive, but also universities of criminality. None of us good Republicans or other conservatives should ever have to go to prison no matter what we may have done because we've made prisons wretched hellholes.

I mustn't neglect Republican state Senator Robert C. "Limp" Jubelirer from Altoona in Blair County. He's the President Pro Tempore of the Pennsylvania Senate and the paradigm for the conservative state politician.

All the scandal and gossip aside, we don't know much about the discovery of the nude photos of Senator Jubelirer's wife. It may be true that Deborah, the Senator's bride, had to quit her $66,500.00 a-year position with the Turnpike Commission, but we don't know for sure about the photos of her or who took them. As a politician, Senator Jubelirer really cracked down on smut and sex "crimes" and all kinds of sexual pleasures. Other people aren't supposted to enjoy sex. At least that's what he's said.

We don't know how many dirty photos of Debbie were really posted on the Turnpike computer system. We don't know for sure who took them. Maybe it wasn't Senator Jubelirer. Maybe it was some other man. Maybe he was just one of the lady's many friends. We do know that Mrs. Jubelirer was in "marketing." Maybe she was just trying to make an honest sale or do a little legitimate advertising.

We don't even know for sure from what sexual dysfunction Republican Senator Jubelirer may be suffering. All that sort of personal stuff should be kept private in the bedroom unless, of course, the Republicans make another law against it. In any event, it's not a Republican Senator's fault if he can't keep a woman happy or if he can't get it up. Impotence is not always caused by alcohol or neuroses.

We Republicans have learned important political arts, the "Big Lie" and "Public Exploitation," how to convince the working man that he should to give his pennies to the rich. Money is much more important than people, profit is more important than health or education or honesty or decency. Profits and power, big business and oppression, those are the Republican credos.