Rules for the preparation of sumptuous prison fare include: 1. Concentrations of maggot parts, roach debris and insect cadavers must not exceed two (2) pounds per day except in brewed beverages such as coffee and tea. In the brews more roughage is permitted if it's well boiled. 2. Mice, rats and their hair and dropping may not be served without being ground or mashed into other foods. 3. Cookware, cooking utensils and surfaces upon which inmates' foods are prepared, must be washed at least once a week, work schedules permitting. 4. The trays upon which inmates' food is served and the plastic-ware with which they eat their meals must be washed now and then if it really need it. 5. Expensive crab meat must be available daily to be served to the guards free of charge. It may never be served to prisoners. 6. Imported Parmesan cheese must always be available for the guards' pasta, but never for inmates' pasta. 7. Inmates must lick their spoons clean before using them to fish ice cubes from water pitchers. The Recipe For Penitentiary Salad: Dump a few gallons of spent cooking oil from the deep friers into a cauldron. Skim out the larger hunks of refuse. Throw in a hundred pounds of hacked, but unwashed cucumbers, a hundred fifty pounds of sliced but unwashed onions and some tomato juice if available. Shovel in a lot of salt and potato peelings. Serve before the end of the month, but not if you find stuff growing on it. Recipe For Smithfield Punished Potatoes: Prisons like to "whip" their potatoes or "beat" them. Ricing or mashing is not acceptable. Accumulate five hundred pounds of low grade potatoes. Most wholesalers have plenty of old ones that they'll sell cheap. (Always save money on prisoners' food. Use it later for treats for the guards.) Store the potatoes in a warmish place until the eyes sprout a few inches and there are plenty of soft moldy black patches. You can cook them a little if you feel like it, but the rotten patches should make them plenty soft enough for inmates to eat. You might remove some of the skins if you want, but retain the eyes, sprouts and slimy black masses. Smash them up as well as possible. If they smell bad, you don't have dump in the spoiled milk, but spoiled milk is usually a nice touch Serve cold. Prison Poultry Tetrazzini: Save up all your left-over spaghetti. Wash off the old sauce. Keep it refrigerated if possible. For best results, use it within a month or so. Mix in the left-over chicken soup and any chicken scraps collected in the butcher shop. Pour in a lot of spoiled milk and puddings and any vegetables like peas which you can find. Cook it for a while until it's good and pasty. Serve in a well ventilated room. Prison Kidney Bean Supreme: Pick up eighty of the big cans of kidney beans. Damaged cans are available cheap. With a large spoon slop the beans onto the inmates' trays. Serve directly from the can. Cooking and warming are not necessary. When the men get sick, blame it on their use of illegal drugs. Camp Hell Boiled Mop Broth: When the big cooking kettles aren't in use, fill them with water. Toss in all the dirty mop heads. Boil them for a few minutes or until the mop heads don't stink so much. If you have sick prisoners in the infirmary you shouldn't let the wash water go to waste. They won't know the difference anyway.