Our study disclosed that the jerk-gene (called "Price I") was present in virtually every guard named Price and also in perhaps 50% of all prison guards in the state. It causes the man to behave in ridiculous, but aggressive ways. It also stunts the size of the penis and of the brain. The gene disposes the man toward fear and self-doubt.

Six other genes have been identified in all the Prices and in many other guards. They comprise the "Hack Factor." The first of these defective genes is the Price-Thompson Peeper gene (also called Price II). This oddly twisted gene causes the man to be a peeping tom and to be obsessed with the compulsion to handle dirty clothing and naked men. The gene also disposes the man to have an unnatural fondness for being spanked.

Another of the Hack Factors which was found in all the Price guards and in most other guards was he Welch-Napoleon gene. This strange little strand of corrupt DNA possesses the man with an amusingly exaggerated sense of self-importance. It is named after a runt Central Pennsylvania guard who felt threatened because of his size and obvious inferiority. Among the Prices, the gene also causes a loss of hair and virility.

The fourth of the seven Hack Factors in the Chest-Price Stalker gene. It was found in many other guards. It is named for a mentally disturbed visiting room guard. This abnormality causes the man to peek out of the corners of his eyes in an effort to catch a glimpse of sexual or romantic activity. He will generally wear sunglasses, usually cheap imitations of effeminate Ray Bans. One strange side-effect is that, typically, the man also likes to wear women's frilly panties and may consume birth control pills.

Another of the Hack Factors is the Winzic-Price Chirp gene. It was found in all the Prices, but in only about 10% of other guards. It causes the man to talk with a squeak or a squawk. Besides the girlish tone of the voice, the man generally possesses an odor like that of decaying mangos, like wet old shoes.

The sixth of the Hack Factors is the Brown-Price Tic gene. It causes the man to endlessly repeat inane physical gestures such as twirling a key ring or pulling suggestively at his crotch. The most common manifestation of this degenerate gene among the Prices was an unnatural, albeit diminutive, arousal while rooting through other persons' property.

The last of the Hack Factors is the Owens-Price Bully gene. This element is found in almost all guards. It motivates the sufferer to be a bully and usually a racist. In almost all instances, the man or woman is trivial and insignificant, but always nasty and neurotic. The Owens-Price gene also causes the person to gossip, to lie and to wear excessive, often garish make-up. Frequently, he/she is attracted to male farm animals. 

These genetic findings help to explain why guards so often interbreed. Their habit of mating among themselves cause many guards to be their own cousins. It's the so-called "I'm my own grandpa" syndrome. Normal persons are reluctant to mate with guards.

This was found to be universally true with guards named Price. In all of the 18 cases that we studied, the spouses and families of the guards disliked them intensely. Every wife admitted to cheating and every child admitted to wanting to run away. All the Prices had been or were about to be divorced. Normal persons (even prostitutes) disdained them.

The two Prices who hold high rank in the Prison system may suffer from an additional problem: brutality, but it was not closely studied.