My Hero Bit Cop
By: Elsa Mason

Adam Munzabaugh, known as "Gnaw," is my hero. He chewed on a state cop's thumb. We don't generally sanction any kind of violence, but when tykes are having a spat in the nursery, we have to take the side of the underdog. Nobody can defend bully state cops.

Adam "Gnaw" Mutzabaugh hails from rural Perry County north of Harrisburg, the Unfriendly City, Pennsylvania's dismal capital. He may not be the most sane of yokels, but being nuts isn't a crime. Lunching on state cops is a crime, as Gnaw discovered to his chagrin.

A state cop using the name Banks Bennett, seems to have stuck his thumb where it didn't belong. Mr. Mutzabaugh seems to have chewed on it until it "bled profusely" - poor cop!

Of course, state cops travel in gangs, so cop Bannett was backed-up in the scuffle by the mighty Philip Payes. Phil seems to have joined in the tiff, but been smart enough to keep his digits well away from the madman's gnashing teeth. From all reports, the mad Mr. Gnaw Mutzabaugh fought the cops as yokels and other patriots are wont to do. He was pepper sprayed. It did little good. He was hospitalized. He also got 5 years in prison. You're not allowed to lunch on state cops, even delicious ones.

Cop Bennett wasn't hospitalized. I think he may have gotten a special state cop Purple Heart in the form of buckteeth.

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"Man is born a barbarian
and only raises himself above the beast
by culture,"
Baltasar Gracian, 1647

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