You guys are always saying bad stuff about corrections officers2 ["CO"]. My therapist here at the asylum always says that if you can't say something nice about somebody, don't say anything at all. You should only say bad things against criminals. My uncle is a very important CO. A lot of people say really bad things about him. Even the other COs criticize him. It's not fair. None of yous understand his problems. And he didn't give me alot of money to write to you, either. My uncle has a lot of problems. Make allowances for his chronic constipation. Or, do you realize how annoying hemorrhoids are? The really stringy kind like worms that burn like spiced spaghetti? So sometimes he gets kind of cranky. When he was the star of the prison search squad, some nasty inmate brute did something vulgar to my uncle with a hiking boot and some mustard. His hemorrhoids have been worse ever since. Another inmate cracked him in the skull with his radio. My uncle was only doing his job, taking the inmate's love letters and stuff. Important guards are allowed to take prisoners' stuff. Now, my uncle has a very important job in the visiting room. He has to treat the visitors bad and the inmates worse. They deserve it. How else will they respect how important he is? They say bad things against him. But how would you like to suffer from "ED3" and have your wife making fun of you all the time, calling you the "Dangler?" Even when he was a kid, the others hated him. He always got stuck being the Indian, never the cowboy. So, he got to be a really really good bow and arrow shooter; except when his gas causes problems. It's hard to aim when you have the winds; no limas before hunting. More than once, the noise has spooked a trophy buck. People have to have more understanding for my uncle. It's easy to understand why he doesn't like the women who visit prison inmates. How would you feel knowing that women like inmates better than they like you? Sure he has to stop visitors from kissing4 their inmate husbands. No one wants to kiss him. He's tried every deodorant. it's not really sexual harassment5 for him to pick on the women visitors and make remarks about their anatomy. What kind of women visit inmates, anyway. And it's not sexual harassment to make them take off some of their clothes, either. How else can he be certain that they aren't smuggling something in their bras or panties? He's an important guard and he's allowed to do that stuff.6 I'm tired of hearing people make fun of my uncle. My therapist says that he's just compensating for how his sisters picked on him and dressed him up when he was little. That kind of thing has a lasting effect, you know. 1 We've changed the author's name to protect the identity of the poor corrections officer. The letter is pure fiction. 2 A "corrections officer" or "CO" is a prison guard. They call themselves that so that they feel more important. They want to be "officers." Officers have power. 3 "ED" is, of course, erectile dysfunction,, the politically correct thing to call impotency: bonerlessness. 4 Kissing really irritates prison guards because they hate everything. They even hate love. 5 The laws against sexual harassment of women don't apply to prison guards except where one guard sexually harasses another guard. Many of the women guards, sexually harass the male fairies, but that doesn't count, either. 6 Prison guards are by nature peeking toms. Your government pays them to peep.