In Pennsylvania prisons are nothing but dude ranches, country clubs of leisure for undisturbed rest and relaxation. Oh, sure they may be costly and living hells for the prisoners, but they are the "Club Med" for the staff.
Sitalot Silt was an older fellow when he went to prison in 1989. All his life, Silt had liked to kill things. Regrettably, he only got the joy of killing animals. In spite of generations of close inbreeding, Sitalot is no dummy and he's ambitious. If he couldn't kill people, at least he could enjoy injuring them and inflicting pain.
Still in his forties, Sitalot was able to retire to a life of ease in prison. He coasts along as a guard sergeant doing nothing with 200 prisoners to serve his every want and to feel the bite of his cruelty. For Silt, it's better than a "Princess Cruise!" Silt is lazy and he basks on the Lazy A.
Yelalot Blott was somewhat younger than cousin Sitalot when he went to prison. Blott is lazy, of course, but he lacks something of his cousin's breeding and addiction to the power of pain. He's pretty much content just to enjoy his ease. A lot of money is spent to make prisons entertaining torment islands, but Blott lacks the ambition to inflict much pain. He's the kind of guard who's happy just being supported by armies of prisoner slaves and mountains of tax dollars. To Yelalot, prisons aren't so much for punishment as resorts for public parasites.
A surprising number of people don't understand why we have prisons. We have prisons in order to give easy employment to the rural Republican population who can't survive without government help and an under-class to exploit. Ask a taxpayer or a politician why we have prisons and he'll recite some hollow cliche, but in real life, prisons have no effect upon "crime" except to make "criminals" more adept. Certainly, prisons are social cruelties, but mostly, they are cushy make-work projects for the culturally challenged.
Cousin Sitofen Melch is certainly abusive and vicious, but mostly he's simply lazy; so are they all, all the Lazy A gang. No one but the lazy and the oppressive would willingly make prison their life's work. Spitofen especially enjoys having hundreds of prisoner slaves to serve him. He gets free meals. He doesn't even have to pay tax on them!
Melch gets his cars and pickups maintained and repaired by prisoner slaves for 18 cents an hour. He has prisoner slaves do his laundry and dry cleaning, his haircuts and even cultivate plants for his garden and holidays.
Melch doesn't have much use for the more skillful slave craftsmen. He's the kind of bumpkin who cares little for anything artistic, but he often has drunken auto wrecks.
By contrast, cousin Bonaparte Craper, is a different story. Bonaparte uses the slave prisoner craftsmen to build furniture for him. Being a decent sort of a guard, he pays the slaves; often as much as 19 cents an hour. They also refinish and reupholster antiques for him to sell at handsome prices. A couple bucks dropped to the slave will net Craper hundreds from the suckers.
You may think that I've exaggerated the benefits of Pennsylvania's prison dude ranches. I assure you that it's all true. Pennsylvania has dozens of these luxury resorts where 14,000 rustic buffoons live like abusive medieval princes whiling away their time at public expense.
Bonaparte Craper, Spitofen Melch, Yelalot Blott and Sitalot Silt along with a few miscellaneous cousins comprise only one of the crews of the Lazy A, a real block in a real prison. In the evenings another gang retires to the comfy deck chairs. The evening crew is lazy, of course, but less lazy than the morning louts. The evening guys are sour and constipated, hung over and grumpy; a humorless group of dissatisfied old women who are grumpy even with their life of leisure.
Just as Sitalot Silt is the recreation director for the a.m. gang, cousin Antshole Sniff guides evening recreations. Oddly, cousin Antshole gives the impression of a curmudgeon who would rather be doing something worthwhile with his life, but his daddy made him go into the family business. Even for a bumpkin, protracted leisure can be very boring if you have any personality at all.
The other depressive evening cousins act like they need an enema. They are negative, gloomy and unhappy even with their lives of ease. They are the unfortunate product of an incest of nepotism which made them as bloodless as vampires. Their easy-street lives are dull, repetitive grayness of badgering, haranguing and demeaning prisoners. Nobody wants them, not even their families.
There is yet a third crew of inbred buffoons. They sit around during the night snoozing, gambling and watching the surveillance tapes that are made of couples in the visiting room. SInce these pathetic public servants get no sex or love at home, they drool like adolescents over the visiting room tapes as if they were pornograpy. They hope against hope that some prisoner will touch his wife in a "naughty" way, or kiss her too much. That's a serious infraction. Love is never permitted, but homosexual trysts with guards or with other prisoners is encouraged.
Even this small army of drones isn't the whole taxpayer-supported brigade of the Lazy A. There is also cousin Dagwood Hollyballs. He's a so-called counselor and one of the few intellectuals on the Lazy A. He's a highly educated graduate of the College of Badminton, Youo and Prison Counseling.
Dagwood's cousin/daddy, brought him into the family business because there was no hope of him surviving anyplace else. His job is to rest up between naps and to pretend to manage prisoners' lives. He has about 96 prisoners and his bound and duty is to see each and every one of them once a year. It exhausts his capacities.
So, Dagwood has help from his cousins. There are also two other "counselors" on the Lazy A, but no one has actually even seen them. They are believed to be a woman and one may have been a corpse since 1995.
Even that isn't the whole tax-supported staff of the Lazy A. The top-gun of the whole tribe is cousin Adolf Cellar, the so-called "Unit Manager." Adolf lives in sin with another Unit Manager because nobody else will have him. He can't believe his good fortune at getting the job; $60,000 from the taxpayers and nothing to do but victimize prisoners! Cousin Adolf is a very nervous and insecure man who worries that somebody will find out about him, and he'll lose his windfall. Then he'd have to go back to his old job: killing the strays in the pound.
The only bad thing about Adolf's job are all the colored boys who are prisoners on the Lazy A, not to mention the Hispanic wet-backs. Cellar doesn't like colored boys or Latinos. Some of them are pretty damn clever and devious, you know.
The Lazy A is a typical Pennsylvania prison dude ranch: rest, relaxation and prisoners to ride. It's a real place only slightly camouflaged to protect the prisoner slaves who provide the staff with the good-life at our expense.
It's proven that, on average, Return to Crime Stories Menu.
Return to HOMEPAGE.