I'm Sure They're Not
Stealing

By: Old Fat George

On a recent Friday, as I was leaving a visit, I saw a guard at the control center. He was about to leave the prison. I'm sure he couldn't have been stealing, but he was carrying a large clear trash bag. The bag contained about half a bushel of plump apples.

The guard was a runtish, older fellow with a particularly foul mouth. His son, who's also in the family business, was one of those guards with a Napoleon complex who liked to harass prisoners.

I'm sure no guard would steal, but as I watched, daddy guard walked out with the half bushel of apples. The sergeant, lieutenant and guards in the control center seemed delighted to let him leave, apples and all.

I can't say where the apples came from. Perhaps the taxpayers were just sharing fruit with the guard. Perhaps the guard had brought the apples from home and was returning them. Maybe there were famished broncos in the parking lot that the guard was going to treat or more likely he was feeding deer.

Heavens knows, guards steal a lot from the Pennsylvania prisons. It's not just food, but other supplies, motors, wood, anything they can get away with. As larceny goes, half a bushel of apples is a petty concern, not that I'm suggesting that the guard was actually stealing. They were probably extra apples that he was simply discarding - right?

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