If you have Socialist inclinations and are looking for a VERY easy job, one where you can get away with just about anything including bullying others, I've got an exciting opportunity for you!
"Corrections!"
Yes, it's a silly name because the job has nothing to do with correcting anything. It means warehousing people; no labor, just watching and beating up a few, if the urge moves you.
Now, those of you who are without the Socialist need to be taken care of by the taxpayers, or who are saddled with ridiculous hang-ups like self-respect, ambition, pride or initiative, won't be interested in this high-paying opportunity. You'll have to get a real job with dignity.
But, if you're lazy and unprincipled, you can look forward to gravy at taxpayer expense. They'll take care of you in true Socialist fashion. You won't be required to do much, not even think, but you'll collect a substantial salary. Sit around for 11 months and get paid for 12!
From the Socialist's point of view, the benefit package is a dream. In addition to the long paid vacation and sick leave, the taxpayers pay for medical care for you, your spouse (so long as it's an approved, heterosexual spouse), your kids (so long as nobody needs anything naughty like abortion) and, perhaps, even Fido. These benefits are not just your ordinary doctor and hospital care. No! This is full-blown Socialism. You get the whole package including free eyeglasses and dental care. I think you even get a taxpayer financed lollipop if you were a good boy in the chair. Aren't the taxpayers generous!
In short, a guard's benefits are almost as Socialist as those that the extremist state senators give to themselves. They are right-wing Republicans only on the outside. At paycheck time they are pure Socialist.
"Working" in "Corrections," you'll get regular pay raises of at least 4% a year. When you retire, the taxpayers will keep you on a generous pension. You'll even get a $50 bonus for "stress!"
OK, but you figure that the job is "dangerous;" all those "criminals" and everything. Yes, I admit it, there is some slight danger. A guard is at about as much risk as a florist. Guards who do get injured, are most commonly hurt while driving their pickup trucks, brawling in bars, hunting with other guards, operating the state's unsafe equipment or falling.
Seldom is a guard hurt by a prisoner "assault." Where it's alleged that a guard's been assaulted, it's usually just the kind of jostling that you might suffer while walking a busy sidewalk: bumps, shoves, things like that.
OK, so I know of one case where a poor guard was "stabbed" in the back of the hand with a plastic fork because of what he did to a hungry prisoner during lunch, but the skin wasn't even broken.
For every guard who is "assaulted" by a prisoner, the guards get to assault, beat, injure and maim at least 50 prisoners. And guards are killed less often than steelworkers, truck drivers or prisoners.
If you have the Socialist heart of a true redneck, your mouth is watering with desire for this job of pay without work. You want to know just what these great jobs pay. I've gathered some of the Civil Service announcements for some of the jobs in "Corrections." Remember that there are lots more jobs than just guards and remember that in addition to the generous pay, you get all the bribes you can get and you can double your income by carrying drugs into addicts.
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