The Pennsylvania prison system is run by drunks, liars and tyrants. Incompetent, nearsighted bureaucrats at the top breed incompetent, not to mention expensive, toadies below. Take Secretary of Corrections Jeffrey Beard; if any man should retire to re-hab in Middletown and do something he's qualified for (like fold laundry) it's Beard. The Department of Corrections should be run by someone with insight and good sense, someone who can actually solve problems instead of multiplying them. It's not a post for a vindictive, petty or shallow tippler. Of course, we would never think of faulting a great man like Secretary Beard. He's a prince of a fellow, sweet and cuddly as Elmo! But he detests us! He's attacked this website, our publisher, Sandra Feigley and her imprisoned husband, George. The prisoner is the only one he can really take vindictive revenge on. When he thought that we'd "made fun" of the demigods of the Smithfield prison, including a renown detective, Rodney Painter, now called Miss Marple by a few wags, he ordered the aged and frail prisoner carted across the state and dumped into a sty named Frackville prison. Earlier, when our publisher had written a forthright and factual account of a few of the horrors at the Camp Hill prison, the good Secretary Beard had retaliated by barring her from touring the prisons. Could he allow you or anyone else to learn what was really going on in the prisons? Hasn't the legislature been intentionally misled year after year? We admit that we tried to get the precious secretary fired. To our chagrin, Governor Rendell has proven to be a dud and a disappointment. It was a mistake to vote for him. Don't do it again. Secretary Beard and his minions didn't quite succeed in killing the prisoner. That must have vexed them no end so when the prisoner got to the Frackville dungeon, the pros took over. The prisoner was tossed into the hole. You may never have heard of Dennis Durant, or Robert Shannon, or a want-a-bee judge, the great, good, grand and glorious Kevin Kane. They are a few of the sterling professional staff at the Frackville prison in Eastcentral Pennsylvania. We want to make them famous, or at least give them a little of the recognition folks like them deserve. Once in Frackville, the prisoner was hustled into the bleak prison hole. The excuse was that the prisoner was in danger from another prisoner and/or from a member of the staff. Of course, that was a lie. Okay, well if that story wouldn't fly, then make it the other way around; the prisoner was a danger to the staff. But the prisoner was a very sick heart patient, 62 years old. Anybody who claimed to be afraid of him must be a pussy. And at Frackville, that's what they were, pussies, which is the whole point of this explanation. Robert Shannon, the boss of the Frackville prison, a job that a normal man would be ashamed of, was afraid that the prisoner might say something that he shouldn't. After all, we'd already published things that "made fun" of some perfectly wonderful prison twits at Smithfield. Superintendent Shannon ordered that the prisoner's mail be secretly read. That way, the prisoner wouldn't be warned and when he dared to say something critical, he could be punished. Prison in Pennsylvania is all about punishment, not "correction" or rehabilitation or making better citizens. The examples that the prisoners are given are certainly not "better citizens." Well, sure enough, the prisoner wrote an article critical of the self-important Frackville staff. In the article the prisoner actually called some of the saintly prison staff pussies. We understand how hard it must be to believe that anyone could use such a terrible word. It may be the first time you've ever heard it. It means cowards, but it can mean other things too, vulvae, cats, or catkins, for example. The censor who was sneaking into the prisoner's mail was a guard. Captain, Dennis Durant. who could doubt his intellectual acumen to be a censor, or his professional expertise to judge literature. He read the forbidden word "pussies!" He was shocked! A saintly fellow, he doubtless had never heard such a word. Fortunately, he didn't collapse with palpitations or apoplexy. He probably wasn't even quite sure what "pussy" meant, but he was sure it was obscene, yes, that was it, it was a dirty word, a naught word, a forbidden word! He could be confident that he'd never had to actually see one. That would be too, too much! But he was sure it must be something nasty. A right-thinking security maven couldn't tolerate a mere prisoner using such a word. It was scandalous! It had to be nipped in the bud or the next thing you know a prisoner might stoop to using the awful four-letter "F" word. Of course, by far the worst thing of all was that a prisoner had criticized a prison official. That's an unspeakable offense. There's never anything wrong was a prison official. Unlike lesser mortals, prison officials are flawless, papal, infallible. If someone got away with criticizing a prison official, the next thing they'd be finding faults with trashmen or cops or, god forbid, even criticizing politicians. A prisoner is not allowed to criticize an official. It's as simple as that. Prison brass, well and even prison guards are above criticism. It was terrifying to even contemplate it. With the Frackville prison staff, there's a lot of fear! Perhaps trembling a little, Captain Dennis Durant accused the prisoner of violating prison rules. That old prisoner needed to be punished. He was in pretty bad health. Maybe if he was maltreated enough, he'd die. That would teach him. That would shut him up! Some pompous prison functionaries are as bright as a lunar eclipse. The dumber they are, the less they seem to be aware of it. Kevin Kane, the prison hearing examiner assigned to find the prisoner guilty of the breach of prison rules, loudly protested that he didn't have to obey the United States Constitution. What did he care about the First Amendment's guarantees of freedom of the press or freedom or speech? What did he care that federal courts had already twice before decided that prisoners have a constitutional right to criticize in writing? We certainly don't want to "make fun" of anybody and definately not one of these exceptionally fine "corrections" executives. If His Honor Kane wants to pretend he's a judge above the Constitution, who are we to question his psyche? If a grown man like Captain Durant wants to pretend to be scandalized or even frightened by the word "pussies," who are we to doubt it? If Superintendent Robert Shannon wants to pretend that he's Boss Hogg, what business is it of ours? We have only the deepest respect for these and all the fine folks at the Frackville prison and even for His High-Niceness, Secretary Beard. If these fellows aren't pussies, we're sorry that we said so. They may very well be just as brave as the rest of the prison guards or just a little bit scared, puss-lets.

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