The United States has more laws than any other nation in the world. We've got laws about just about everything. We are the most highly regulated, regimented and least free people in civilized existence. But every year the legislators keep right on meeting and concocting more and more new laws. You may think that people shouldn't have to carry such a heavy burden of legal intrusion, but I say that we need laws. Without laws to dictate what we must and must not do, people would have to think for themselves. You know where that kind of thing might lead. Worse yet, people might have to become tolerant and rational. We can't have a tolerant and rational populace. That's for places like France and Laos and Brazil. This is America, land of conformity, criticism and Fox News. First, give us an ordinance against fat women with big titties. That should certainly be a crime. If they can put crazy folks in prison, the least they could do is lock up the heavy-hootered honeys, especially the old ones. Make it a felony and don't parole them until they admit their guilt. I want a law that gives money to my religion, but not to you. In fact, your religion is bogus and should be outlawed altogether. I want a law subsidizing my religion. I also want a law which authorizes a really big shrine to be constructed on the courthouse lawn to the Great God Gerry, Lord of the Omaha Sows. He's the only true God. Every public school should have daily prayers to him while the students hail the flag. We need a lot more sexual laws. Most kinds of sex are bad. In fact, the only kinds of sex which aren't bad are the kinds I like. I want a law against people who sleep in the nude and a law against people who screw more than twice a year. And old people, they should never be allowed to have sex at all. If the perverts mess around, I say toss them in jail. After 35, no more bump and grind. It's sick! If we can have laws against queers, why don't we have laws against folks who keep pets? That's a filthy perversion. How about police dogs? It should definitely be a crime to like, keep or traffic in police dogs; a felony. I want a law against yellow cars and yellow houses and yellow anything. I'm offended by yellow and I shouldn't have to be exposed to it or to have look at it. Our children should be protected from it. I say keep the kids ignorant! (or at least as misinformed as possible). Especially, keep yellow off the Internet where children can seek it out unsupervised. We need a law against people speaking foreign languages, especially one's I don't understand. How do I know what they're saying? I should be able to eavesdrop equally on everyone. Those people who chatter in Chinese or French or Italian; arrest them all! Spanish is the worst. The word "taco" should be banned from the public airways as a dirty word. I could list a lot more laws that we urgently need. I should be sent to the legislature so I could enact them. One of my first laws would be against the name William. I've hated every man I've ever know who was named William. If a person is named William he should be fined for the first offense, but imprisoned for subsequent offenses. Just one last thing. I want a law which authorizes me to effect a citizen's arrest of any fat woman with big titties that I catch in a public place or flopping around on a speeding motorcycle.