Pretend "Terrorists"
By: Jane Craine
Attorney General: What the government needs is a diversion. We need something to get the public's mind off the fact we violate the Constitution and their civil rights. What we need is a well-publicized terrorist bust. First Deputy Attorney General in Charge of Lies (the agency's biggest department). Yes, sir! Anything you say sir. When forming a holy Republican dictatorship, those of us blessed with power must resort to deceptions. What's a terrorist? Attorney General: Don't ask silly questions. A terrorist is anyone we say is a terrorist. It's good to be king. First Deputy Attorney General in Charge of Lies: Yes, sir! Anything you say sir. That make's it a lot easier - anybody! Attorney General: We need a trick to make it seem as if it's necessary for our Blessed President, George I, to spy on the low-life citizens. First Deputy: Yes sir! Anything you say sir. We need a patsy - no a whole raft of patsies. They will be bad-guys. They will prove how lucky the public is to have our Blessed President, George I, to eavesdrop and snoop on them. They'll be happy to hand over their liberties. Attorney General: You've got it exactly! Now find us some patsies, poor people who don't know any better. First Deputy: What kind do you want? The best would by young black men. Everybody already know that young black men are no good. They're all criminal types. Attorney General: Yes, that's perfect! But throw in some illegal aliens, too. We need to make the aliens look scary. Don't use any rich aliens, only poor, working-class slobs. Americans hate common laborers. First Deputy: I'm on it, Your High Niceness! We'll do it in Florida. People will believe anything about Florida. The Republicans are powerful there. All Power and Praise to George I! Government Agent (undercover FBI agent in charge of entrapping innocent patsies): How would you fellows like to join al Qaida? It's a swell gang. It's rich, of course, very rich. It would bless Allah. You'd get the pussy and lots of bitches. Patsy #1: What's this al Qaida? We got our own gang. Yeah, we're Moslem, but we're going to start a group - a rap group. Patsy #3: Pussy's always good. My bitch don't like me getting strange stuff. She's gets violent. Government Agent: You wouldn't want to miss the opportunity. Al Qaida can do a lot for you. You could get gigs in Iran and Kuwait. You'd be famous and rich. Think of the pussy. Your women don't have to know. Patsy #2: What would we have to do? Can we get some instruments? Patsy #3: Drums is what I need, maybe a good keyboard - mostly drums. Yeah, but pussy is good, too. Patsy #1: Is this in Florida? My baby's mother don't like me gone too far away. Can she come along? Government Agent: Sure, your girlfriend could go with you. Instruments are no problem. Al Qaida is a big outfit. Wouldn't you like to blow up the Sears Tower? That would teach America who's boss. That would show them! Patsy #2: We never shop at Sears. My baby's mother likes QVC. I just buy clothes and gear. Wal-Mart's good for that stuff. Government Agent: You don't understand. The Sears Tower is a big office building in Chicago. Wouldn't you like to blow it up and take over the country? You could be kings. Think of, it! Patsy #1: Chicago is too far away, I think. I like to go to Willy's Club on Friday nights. They got great shit there. Patsy #3: When could we get the instruments? Would the gang give us clothes? And how about boots? I need new boots - those expensive ones. Government Agent: Boots?! We can get boots for all of you. I'll just jot down your sizes. Oh! but you'll have to get more men. Three of you isn't enough. How about some foreigners? What foreigners do you know? Patsy #3: There's that drummer from Haiti. Haiti is a foreign place, ain't it? Patsy #1: Would everybody get free boots? Good ones? Government Agent: Sure! Everybody will get boots. We'll get you guns and bombs, too. Patsy #1: We could get some more guys at Willy's Club. They would always go for nice boots. Patsy #2: The guns wouldn't be such good ideas. My baby's mother don't like guns. She and her mother are pretty hyper. Bombs wouldn't be good either. We've got no way to carry them around. Government Agent: With guns and bombs you'll be able to attack the FBI office. Patsy #1: Fuck that! Those bastards are crazy. They shoot people just for play. We got nothing against them, anyway. Except they're white. Patsy #3: Well, they did kill my aunt Betty. They didn't like it that she called them names. She was dumb like that, a free speech woman, you know the kind. Government Agent: So, you would like to attack the FBI? How about the Sears Tower? You'd like to blow that up, too, wouldn't you? Patsy #3: We're not really the blowing up kind. How about some suits? We like the best clothes. Government Agent: Okay, go get your friends from the club and that foreign guy, too. Bring them back here this evening. I'll have your boots and other stuff for you. Patsy #2: Yeah, okay. You'll be here now, this isn't bullshit. Government Agent: Oh, we'll be here. Do you have any guns? Patsy #1: I told you, no guns. Government Agent: How about explosives, do you have any of tnem? Maybe just a little? Patsy #3: You're crazy, man. We've got no explosives? My baby eats everything. Explosives would make her sick. Government Agent #1 (in body armor, gun drawn): Stick-'m up! Government Agent #2 (in body armor and cowboy boots, waving a machine-gun): You scub-bag terrorists are busted! Patsy #2: What's a terrorist?" Government Agent #2: It's anybody we say it is! Government Agent #1: You terrorists are going down! Fox "News" "Reporter" (or Government Agent #3): This just proves how well our Blessed President's policies are working. If he weren't eavesdropping and spying on us, these dangerous terrorists might have gotten away. Hail George! Hail the Leader! All Power and Praise to George I! Patsy #2: Hail who? Government Agent #1: We know you're al Qaida operatives. Who's the wet-back? the illegal alien? Patsy #7: My visa expired the other day, but I'm not a wet-back. Government Agent #1: You speak Spanish don't you? What could be more subversive than that? Patsy #7: Actually, I speak French. Government Agent #1: That's even worse. We all know what the French are like. Fox "Reporter": Another victory for our Blessed President's great policies. A dangerous illegal alien caught. It just proves how bad foreigners are. Hate them! Exclude them! Government Agent #1: We don't have hate or exclude rich aliens. They can buy decent treatment. Fox "Reporter": Hail George! Hail the Leader! All Power and Praise to George I! He caught illegal aliens who were going to blow up the Sears Tower and attack the FBI. We Salute! Patsy #1: Hail who?
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