The warden of my SCI-Huntingdon⁴ isn't the only incompetent egomaniac in my prison system, but he's damn good at the important art of "CYA."⁵ The rest of you buffoons should learn from crafty old Freddy. He don't have the brains that God gave to wet toilet paper, but he can always dodge responsibility and blame some sucker subordinate. He's always maneuvered a scapegoat up to the sacrificial hotseat. 

Take the case of that awful Johnston guy. He helps us understand the sick thinking of these crazy inmates. He taught that hope and freedom and self dignity were essential things. Damn fool! This is Pennsylvania. There can be no hope here, no liberty here and certainly no self dignity here. The Ridge Reich has stamped out such madness.

Most of us can't believe that Johnston, nothing but a low-life prisoner, took it upon himself to escape. What kind of a whacko wants liberty or freedom? I'm the only one who's allowed to have that kind of stuff. A prisoner must never have hope that might allow him to get better.

His High Niceness, our Fuhrer, the Reich's Ridge, showed us the proper response to offenses like the Johnston desperation for freedom. Hail Ridge! Humbly give thanks to the Ridge! 

Our great, grand and glorious Governor grossly over-reacted as any right thinking conservative would do. Ridge The Nifty punished every prisoner in the state! What an inspiration Really-Swell Ridge is to all of us! He cleverly covered his own ass by blaming Johnston's fellow prisoners for Johnston's escape. Is that inspired, or what!

To make it all the better, he contrived so that the dupes, the taxpayers paid for the cover-up!

Sure, some of them picky intellectuals criticize His High Niceness. They won't be able to get away with criticism for very much longer. My prisons have enough pace to shut them up, too.

The few independents who still dare to criticize say that overreaction is a sign of madness. But they say the same thing about sadism and extremism. But everyone here, everybody in corrections⁶ is sadistic and extreme. Are any of us crazy? I know that I'm not crazy no matter what mother and father say and I better never hear anyone call me crazy or they'll be right where I put mom and dad!

Like our glorious Governor, I too am great. Since I've been Prison-Boss, I've suckered the taxpayers into paying 6 times as much for the prisons, 6 times as much money for us to wallow around in! A billion and a quarter dollars! Yes, I'm great!

I've more than doubled the number of prisons and I've made all the prisons much worse, completely hopeless; truly sadistic! Best of all, I've increased the number of prisoners by more than 3 times, yes 
three times more captives for us all to abuse and exploit. I am truly a great man!

You will listen to just a little about how I've covered my own precious ass over the escapes. Even you slugs realize that a couple of escapes is only natural. It shows nothing except the sick minds of prisoners who want freedom. I've made them helpless and desperate, so what can you expect? They are no big deal. But I've played up the escapes for my well deserved aggrandizement.

Guns; we all love guns. They give me power. They hurt people. They make people realize how important I am. I surrounded all the prisons with guns. Yes, I'm great!

I put armed guards at every corner of every prison; armed guards in cars, armed guards on foot, armed guards in huts. My God, but I love guns!

Some people have enough nerve to say that now an escaping prisoner can simply jump a guard and grab his gun. So what! They are only lowly guards. Who cares if a few of them get offed? The important thing is that now the public will see my men with guns, real guns. They will quake and quiver. They will fear and respect me.

And the simp taxpayers forked over the extra millions. God I love sheep! Guns and sheep, it gives me a boner!

But, that's not all. I've also ordered the endless cell searching! Even you dodos can see that the reason for the escapes were the prisoners' hopelessness coupled with human error; human laxity on the part of the ordinary guards. The common hacks who work in my prisons have human weaknesses.

Like me, you realize that the ordinary prison guard is not worth a turnip. Who cares about them? But they have a pesky union (even if it's a gutless wonder). It's always much more fun to abuse prisoners than guards. Prisoners are helpless and can't defend themselves. They have no recourse but to take whatever I dish out.

So, in each prison, I've ordered a routine of harassment for 50 prisoners. Being a very fair and democratic great-man, I've permitted local wardens and guards to pick out the 50 victims. It doesn't really matter much who they are. They are labeled as "escape risks." That justifies whatever I want to do to them. 

Each week, a team of guards burst into the victim's tiny cell. They ransack it. They dump and trample his paltry personal property. They destroy his few treasured keepsakes. They ruin his few prized possessions. The prisoners hate it! It makes me all warm and stiff. Isn't it wonderful to have power over victims!

During the escapes a few guards failed to do their jobs so I punish the prisoners! Yes, it's true, I'm great!

You all realize that I'm great. In fact, I'm BTG, Better Than God! Most prisoners are men. Most men have dicks. Most dicks have the gall to be bigger than my dick. What makes it all very much worse is that a lot of those disgusting prisoners have females who care about them! Can you believe it? Some of those women actually drive for hours just to visit with those worthless prisoners.

Right after my wife left me (the fool) for that guy from Frackville, I realized that God's second worst blunder after his invention of women, was giving dicks to prisoners. That's okay, I've got something for them.

Until I can figure out how to have all those dicks lopped off and until I can prevent women from visiting with prisoners, I've invented my Horny-Suit!⁷ It's true, I'm great!

If any of the prisoners want to visit with some woman, the prisoner must wiggle into one of my Horny-Suits. It's a heavy jumpsuit with no fly and no way to admire or access the prisoner's devilish dick. There's only a little half-zipper. And it's rough so there'll be no unauthorized sexual responses in my Horny-Suit.

I know that since my wife left me and I've introduced my great Horny-Suit, some of you have been circulating false and filthy stories about me and my loving German Shepherd, Sweet Cakes. My secret listening devices have even detected comments about some of Sweet Cake's puppies bearing a certain resemblance. That's the reason that two wardens aren't with us anymore.

Sweet Cakes travels around with me simply as a watchdog. Even though Sweet Cakes is beautiful and desirable, it has nothing to do with my wife dumping me.

My Horny-Suit is simply a device for punishing prisoners for (A) having dicks and (B) having women to visit them. Think of it like a straight jacket or a chastity belt. I don't want to hear any more talk that it suggests that I'm sexually insecure and sexually immature. I'm definitely not neurotic. I'm simply a right thinking conservative and I punish men who dare to have dicks. 

In closing, I remind you to write a thank you note to me for talking to you. Send me an expression of your admiration for my greatness. Express your gratefulness for my project of making prisoners pay for guards' mistakes, for my ostentatious display of guns and fire power, and especially for my castration substitution, the Horny-Suit.