Charlie Kellar,
Quit!
By: George Feigley
Cofounder
Charles Kellar is the chief of police of the Unfriendly
City.
The Unfriendly City is Harrisburg, capital
of Pennsylvania.
Chuck Kellar should seek new employment.
He'd
make a swell bag-lady, or a chubby car-wash attendant.
He's
piss-poor as a chief of police.
Quit, Charlie Kellar, quit!
Harrisburg has a multi-tier system of law. The cops happily protect wealthy neighborhoods. They gleefully patrol Alcohol Alley (if you want to get drunk in taxpayer subsidized gin-joints, Harrisburg is the dive for you). The cops gladly lavish attention on the mayor. He's a political hack named Steven Reed. They defend his cronies, butt-kissers and darlings. Charlie Kellar and his force of flacid flatfoots (is there a word like flatfeet for COps?) refuse to protect ordinary citizens of the Unfriendly City. They neglect poor neighborhoods. They flee like yellow bunnies from high-crime areas. They despise Hispanics. In fact, they despise all "foreigners." Recently a small businessman, Frankie Pham, was shot in the head. To Charlie and the Harrisburg cops, Mister Pham hardly seemed to mattered at all. Firstly he was a "foreigner." Secondly, his business was in the wrong place. It was on Derry street. That's a poor neighborhood. It's a high-crime neighborhood. So at 11:30 one morning, in broad daylight, while Charlie and his minions were picking their noses, Frankie Pham was shot. That's not the only incident. A few days earlier, just around the corner, an arsonist burned down three homes. They were poor peoples' home in a poor neighborhood. Charlie and his cops couldn't be bothered protecting such places. The Harrisburg cops have another important duty. They lie to protect the city's image. They hide all information about crimes. They aren't allowed to let it get out how much crime there is in Harrisburg. Mayor Steven Reed doesn't allow crime news unless he censors it. Charlie Kellar keeps a muzzle on the press. It's hardly a misdemeanor to shoot a poor businessman in the head. Spilling the beans about Harrisburg's deluge of crime, that's a serious offense. Mayor Steven Reed is a one-of-a-kind. He's an addict. He squabbles with city council over his next tobacco fix. Like the crooked Enron executives, Reed is a questionable money manipulator. He's diverted millions from the water authority treasury. Some of it was apparently used to buy bric-a-brac. His hobby of squandering public money to buy refuse for his "museums" is pathetic. It's all the more so because much of what he's bought is of questionable authenticity. It's of even more questionable value. His cronies who manage his pet collections lack knowledge and objectivity. Like Chuck Kellar, they should seek jobs they're suited to. Fairy tale weaver might suit them. Mayor Reed's shining accomplishment as a city executive have been hooch-houses, taverns, booze joints and similar denizens of Alcohol-Alley, Booze-Boulevard and Souse-Street. Taxpayers subsidize the bars. The mayor has imported drunks from as far away as Steelton. They get liquored-up in his many drinking establishments. Some of the young women then plummet to their deaths. Others, if they're the wrong color, are shot by the cops. Still others curl up to die behind dumpsters. Steve Reed will be remembered as the alcoholic's advocate. Harrisburg is a family business of nepotism and cronyism. City Hall is the private fief of a few families. On their knees, they kiss mayorial rump. Where else could they find employment? There's not a professional in the bunch. Nursing at the taxpayer-tit is all they know (names available upon request). Chief of police Charlie Kellar has failed. He seems unable to understand that the heart of police work is to deter crime, to prevent crime. The cop directs traffic. He doesn't wait for the wreck and then try to find somebody to pin it on. There's so much crime in Harrisburg because Chuck's not doing his job. Quit, Charley Kellar, quit!
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