Family, friends, and former classmates ... you populate my memories, my life, and my heart. I wish you well, as we all face our own individual challenges in life. If you ever wonder about me, here's some scuttlebutt to satisfy your curiousity.
What follows is a brief but honest account. It is rare to have time and inclination to prepare such a report. An explanation of who I am, how I got that way, and what I plan to do. This is an opportunity to know each other again. Take it. There is no hidden agenda. You are just important to me.
There has been a prolonged phase of enforced sobriety, from which I have benefited. In the struggle to 'get it' and 'keep it' together, an understanding has evolved. Certain events in my past led to addiction, arrests, and mental illness. Namely, my introduction to daily use of drugs and sexual assault by my 8th grade teacher. This took place in the classroom and home of my teacher who taught school in Hellertown, PA.
In fear of being exposed, I kept my shameful secret - hoping the confusion and pain would diminish as I matured. The negative effects multiplied, however, and I lost my ability to trust others. In time, I depended on alcohol and drugs, descending into a pattern of self-destruction fueled by bitterness and despair. I sought escape in taking risks, and in intoxication, leading to a criminal career of addiction related offenses.
In my 20's I began the endless rounds of rehabs, jails, and mental hospitals. Over the last 30 years I count over 140 inpatient or inmate episodes, and 14 years incarcerated. A successful education, career, or personal relationships were out of the question. Behavior including intravenous drug use, and unprotected sex, became commonplace. One consequence was Hepatitis C infection. I became a drifter, and have not had a permanent occupation or provided my own shelter since 1991.
Mental and emotional imbalances were further deteriorated by the need for alcohol and chemicals. I did much that is shameful for money to buy drugs, including panhandling for change to buy drinks on a regular basis. I required hospitalization for injuries received in physical beatings by strangers. I never doubted their love, but as I grew worse, my loved ones wisely distanced themselves. Self-absorption was total. I needed badly to be a better man, but was lost, often praying to god to end my life for me.
With no scruples, I fathered a son named after me. He was born January 18 1991, and lucky for him, his fine foster family fell in love with him and adopted him as their own. It was terrible to know he would be better off with them. I last saw him in 1993 at age 2, 16 years ago. Contact was reestablished in August '08 when Mark wrote me a letter. I have permission to write and there are plans to meet, eventually.
With nothing to lose, and no hope of improvement, I committed the felonies of forgery, and then bank robbery in the 2000's. I've been imprisoned 5 years since 2004. Although a fervent Catholic at first, my philosophy has changed. An atheist since 2006, I now have a healthy world view free from superstition and myth. I do have faith in myself.
Since commitment to Dallas state prison near Wilkes-Barre in 2005, change has come. Physical health is again a priority. After 1 year of Interferon chemotherapy for Hep C in 2005 - 2006, the virus has remained undetectable. Many years of trial and error with psychiatric medicines led to Prozac, offering some relief for the last 2 months. Nearly 50 now, it is prudent to start pills for cholesterol and high blood pressure, which runs in the family.
Ability and interest in education are revived. I have attended classes full time for 3 years with A's in every one. My favorites are computer and business courses from the local community college. Arrangements have been made to repay a defaulted student loan after 27 years, and that debt is satisfied. Whew! My dream is to earn a degree upon release, and I know I can do it. I love learning. Much time is devoted to reading, thinking, and writing ... not watching TV, or playing cards.
Drawing closer to my family of origin becomes possible with continued progress. However, from experience, we know that the real test of my rehabilitation will be parole. Action speaks louder than words. Psychological consultation dealing with sexual child abuse from the victim's perspective is nonexistent. I gather facts to propose a transfer to inpatient treatment upon release, if necessary. Accepting responsibility means taking the steps to assure I get the care I need. The cheerless winter frost has yielded to the light and warmth of Spring in Northeast PA. It is May, and somehow I'm feeling lucky and grateful. Loving and healthy parents will return soon from wintering in Florida for the first time, and enjoyable visits will resume when they arrive. Matthew, the youngest brother, ended a silence of more than 10 years with a birthday card and note last month. Each sibling receives a letter on a regular basis. They are all married and raising beautiful families of their own. I look forward to hearing from them, and meeting my nieces and nephews, when invited.
If you hold this letter, know you are not alone. I have you in mind, am interested in your life and feelings. What's been going on with you? What's inside? What matters? Feel free to write with anything you like. I wait to continue our relationship, and look forward to hearing from you. Take care.
