The first and most important advice I can give you is not about crime, but about women. This is truly essential. Don't get married. Don't have children. With the very rarest exceptions, women are disloyal, sexually inadequate, dishonest, unsatisfying, critical, demeaning, moody, weepy, materialistic, greedy, self-serving and completely inconstant. When it comes to women, my advice is rent, don't buy! Children are always a loosing proposition. They provide no reward to a father. They are very expensive both financially and emotionally. They are disinterested in fathers, dangerous and heartbreaking. My advice when it comes to children is if you feel the need to be fatherly, do volunteer work with chimpanzees. Now let me give you my advice about crime. It makes a lousy career. It isn't easy. It doesn't pay and it makes you feel like shit. There's no sustainable profit in it and no sense of self-pride. The only people who consistently benefit from crime are the cops, the legal industry and the prison system. Any profit you make will be short-lived. Murder: murder is a silly crime. If you want to kill people, become a cop or join the military. That's where the true killers congregate. Keep a rein on your emotions so that you don't get angry enough to kill. That kind of anger is really bad for the health of your heart and liver. If you do get angry enough to hurt someone, don't kill her, cripple her up a little so that she remembers it. Sexual crimes: rape is dumb. Women put a greatly exaggerated value on the cunt. For a few bucks, buy whatever you want. A little money is better that a long prison term. No pussy is worth it! And some woman will be more than happy to provide you with whatever you want. Remember, women are greedy. The most common sexual crime is prostitution. My advice is not to get involved in prostitution. It's way too dangerous for the benefits. You might get the crud of some of your most prized parts. Child molesting: my advice is if you want to screw kids, remember that they aren't as sweet and innocent as you want to believe. They are devious and untrustworthy. They'll enjoy putting you in jail. Kids are a lot better at molesting you than you'll ever be at molesting them. If you want affection, get a Labrador. Dope: boy, there's a lot of money available to entrepreneurs in marketing illegal drugs. The opportunity exists only because the government has made drug-use illegal. Like the prostitution laws, the drug laws are inane and irrational. My advice is that until the drug laws are changed, peddle your product only to Republican politicians. They are BIG users and protect their suppliers in order to protect themselves. My important advice about drugs is never to use it. Drug use is for people with low self-esteem and injured egos. You can make it on your own without dope. The same goes for alcohol which is the worst of all the drugs. Drunk driving: unlike many things, this is a real crime. Go ahead, if you've got no self-esteem, get drunk if you want to, but don't put me at risk by driving a truck, bus, boat, train or car. All such vehicles should be equipped with touch pad combinations which test the prospective driver's alertness before allowing her to drive around. Heaves knows, there are lots more crimes. In Pennsylvania there are over 2000 offenses. It's a kind of insane mania. There's no way for any person to live in the real world without violating the law. I get mail from self-righteous twits who condone the savagery of imprisonment because the men are "criminals." Bunk! The guy in prison got caught. ALL citizens commit crimes almost every day. I get a kick out of the birds who think that they don't break the law. Let me follow them around for a day. They'll litter, cheat on taxes, lie to a cop, coast through a stop sign, smoke where they shouldn't, fail to pay a parking meter or something. Check that pen in your pocket. Didn't you steal that from the office?